To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
