Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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