In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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