Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
