I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
