if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
