You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
