i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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