Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
