porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Are we still banned from the library?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
