hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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