ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
