I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
