I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
