i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
