all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
