All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
