Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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