We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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