I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
