I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
