if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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