We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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