It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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