i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
