Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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