I wannas sexs uuuuu
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
