flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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