Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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