Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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