I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
