I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
