It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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