i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
