Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
