I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
