Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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