when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
