I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
