Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
