I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize