I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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