you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Everyone says I win the strip club
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
