I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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