If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
