Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
