does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
