Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Go christen that room with your naked body.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
