guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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