Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
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we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
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Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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