I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
When are your genitals available?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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