don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
