Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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