i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.