the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
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Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life