Where is the hickey?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...