I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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