dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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