I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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