my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
