I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
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Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
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It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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