A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
