I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
