The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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