the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
