Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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