i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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